Sooo...

According to Great Grandma Metzger, I currently have one foot in the grave.

All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

Bob's excited. Me, well, excited is not exactly the word I would use. It's good, it's right, it's not at all a surprise. But, I'm not excited. More like vacillating between sheer terror and resignation.

I'm not naive about what this will require of me physically, spiritually, emotionally.

I don't even like babies... and yet, I'm less worried about that than other things. That will come.

Change is very stressful for me. New things are very stressful for me. Will I actually be able to handle it?

I like my privacy. And boundaries. And that's pretty much out the window... church was rather awful on Sunday (as much as I love and appreciate everybody who congratulated and encouraged me!). I still felt like I had to play a part and act like everyone expects me to. Put on a mask. I kind of just wanted to hide in the bathroom and cry and wish that no one knew and I could be left alone. I know I can't live under a rock, but oh, I wanted to Sunday.

I dread hearing the same crass, rude, and tasteless comments directed at me that make me cringe when they're said about others. 'Wow, she looks ready to pop.' 'She's really gotten huge.' (For the record, I will say something equally nasty back. or just cry. hm, yeah, probably just cry. :P ) I don't like people touching me. I'm told I have that to look forward to also.

I'm not planning on going back to work. It's been a while since I've been wholly dependant on somebody else. Bob has even said that I don't really need him... I have a good job... I can take care of myself. I don't think my identity is tied up in my job. I don't think, but how will I feel when it's gone? It's going to be an adjustment, and not an easy one.

I mourned college life, I mourned singleness, I'm mourning being a newlywed. I don't want to go back, but I've loved every stage and it will never be the same again.

I can't deal with gushing... and when people say they're soooo excited, I just kinda don't understand. What are you excited about? That I have to deal with all this? I know they're just thinking about the good, about how they'll get to hold a baby once in a while. But I have to deal with both the bad and the good, work through everything before and after, every day. And that's not really exciting or pleasant to think about.

Anyways, and in light of all that.... I'd rather have your prayers than your congratulations or excitement... much more useful. :) Don't worry, I'm really not unhappy. I'm quite content and peaceful. Just realistic. And I think too much.

And I don't want to hear any birthing stories! Spare me please! *grin*

When my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:2